Chapter 19: I grieve and lament, but the line is not broken
Posted on June 5, 2022by Soafp
If only I could have simply said, “I forgive you,” at that moment, I wonder if these swirling thoughts in my heart would have disappeared.
I came home and buried my face in my pillow, lost in thought.
I wondered what the “optimal solution” was in that situation.
I knew myself well enough to know that the words I had spoken and the attitude I had taken could not be undone.
”Why did I do that…?”
Is that why I met with Mom today? The question remained unanswered.
I just wanted to see her.
I wanted to show her my face for the first time in a long time.
No, I don’t.
I know it was neither of those things.
”I wanted to change.”
I thought there would be progress.
Something would change.
That something would change for the better.
This hope was the reason why I took Mom’s invitation and Sachi’s wish.
But my own hands made the relationship worse.
I don’t know what Mom and Sachi talked about.
Right, I have no idea.
“In the end, I don’t know…”
It’s the same, isn’t it? Just like the people around me at that time.
I didn’t listen to what they had to say, I just told them how I felt one way or another.
No matter what Mom said, no matter what Sachi said, I didn’t listen to them.
In this situation, I can’t say anything about other people..
Sachi came home about an hour later.
No, let me say it as I think it in my mind right now, she came back.
An awkward silence fell over us both.
With a “boff” sound, Sachi came on top of me as if she was covering me.
Despite my inability to hide my confusion, Sachi began to speak.
”I don’t think it’s Onii-chan’s fault at all.”
But I’m sorry…”
I still apologized for Sachi’s comments.
Sachi’s wishes were probably not fulfilled.
”Don’t apologize? I’m happy with the way things turned out today.”
As I was unable to grasp the true meaning of her words, Sachi continued.
“Because I was able to hear how Onii-chan felt.”
Besides—-, Sachi continued.
“Onii-chan do you want to [not want to forgive] mother or is it [unforgivable]? Which one is it?”
“That…..Are there any differences?”
Both seemed the same, but not to Sachi.
”Not at all.
There is a difference between not forgiving because you don’t want to, and unforgivable because you can’t.”
”I’m sorry if I seem judgmental, okay? But Onii-chan really wanted to forgive her.
Am I wrong?”
Sachi’s question makes me unable to say anything.
“If you don’t want to forgive her, you shouldn’t have taken her up on her offer.
No matter how sneaky I was, you could have refused, right? But Onii-chan came.
You just didn’t push her away.”
”I’m–It was the same at that time.
I didn’t listen to anything you had to say, and instead I just shoved you away.”
Just like my mother.
“It’s not the same.
That’s absolutely not true, Onii-chan.”
That’s not true, Sachi denied.
”Onii-chan is kind.
I think you feel guilty for not being able to forgive others.
Even if it’s out of line.”
Because you are kind, Sachi said.
“The reason I am here and able to talk to Onii-chan is because you are kind to me.
We are just spoiled by your kindness.”
”—-But I made a mistake today.”
If I had been kinder, I could have forgiven Mom.
”—Certainly? If your brother says so, maybe that attitude was a mistake, but this is how he is suffering.
You’re worried about us.
That alone makes me happy.”
Because that means we haven’t lost connection yet.”
Because “I can’t forgive” yet.
That’s not a reason for you to give up on, okay? Onii-chan”
Sachi then buried her face in my back.
“Onii-chan has always been cold to me —- of course this is my fault, you know? But in the end.
Onii-chan never ignored my presence, not even once.
“The only reason we are not separated right now is because of you, Onii-chan.
That’s why I will keep waiting.”
”It’s not about right and wrong, I will wait until Onii-chan is satisfied.”
“It is unfair, right? You put yourself on the shelf and talk as if it’s a given that you’ll make up on your own.
But that is my wish.”
Yeah, it’s really not fair.
Selfish and self-centered.
“That is why I want you to let me take advantage of your kindness.”
The heat in my back felt increased.
How would I respond to that thought?
“I still don’t know.”
Sachi responds to my words with a few words.
“Why couldn’t I just let it go?”
“I don’t even know what I want right now.”
“But I just can’t face it right now.
I don’t have the courage to face it.”
I don’t even know when.
In the first place, I don’t even know if that day will ever come.
”—Will you wait for me?”
It wasn’t fair, and I know it
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